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One Year From Now

Life with a preemie #22

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Tonight I cried. In a hospital lobby. For the first time in nearly six months I entered the lobby of Fresno Community Hospital. The last time I had gone through the front doors was December 21, 2010, the day that we took Timothy home from the hospital. Tonight, as I approached the hospital entrance, I thought I was going to be okay. I was psyched up for it. The second I walked through the doors and took a breath of hospital air, the smell immediately triggered my memories and I started tearing up. The pain, the loss, all the emotions that I experienced while Timothy and I were in the hospital came roaring back and I couldn't handle it.

But I was there for a reason and it wasn't about me. I had the privilege of talking with another pregnant mom who is on bedrest for the foreseeable future. She was admitted at 25 weeks, the same gestation when Timothy was born, for premature labor. She had heard our story when Jeremy and I shared back in February at New Life Community Church, where our friends are pastors. She remembered our story, of the miracle of Timothy's life, when she was admitted to the hospital and it gave her hope. I went tonight with my friend Shari to meet her and talk with her. She laughed and chatted and she had some questions and we talked and I shared a bit of how I felt when I was in her place. We stayed for a short time and before I left I said that I hoped she'd still be there in a couple more weeks and I'd come see her again.
I walked out of the room, remembering so well the three weeks that I was there and all the turmoil I experienced. Many times I would lay in my bed, pleading for God to make it all go away. But also praying, sobbing, that if I must experience this then please use it for HIS purposes. Don't let this be for nothing.

Later I walked out of the hospital and over to the carpark just like I did all 86 days that Timothy was there. I got in my car and pointed towards home (which, by the way Shari, takes me on 41 NORTH, not South. SO SORRY!) and I can say without a doubt that God can use all the crap in our lives that we experience for His purposes. Doesn't make it easy or fun, just real.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21



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